Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
bring money and cleavage
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize