____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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