haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
