I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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