he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
