Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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