I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
