She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
