i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
