Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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