I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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