Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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