It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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