After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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