Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He felt like a one man threesome
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
