I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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