Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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