i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
This is the high leading the old right now
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
