I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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