new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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