Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
