that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
