Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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