Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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