his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Randomize
