If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
