It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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