When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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