Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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