Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
