I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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