Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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