Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
