I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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