Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
