Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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