I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
