Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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