my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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