ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
