you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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