everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
