When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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