I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
