My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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