oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
