Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
