Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
