i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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