I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
