true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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