For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just invented taco cereal.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Randomize
