Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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