White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
