I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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