and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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