If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
