look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
