I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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