Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
